This is me now....

2008-04-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

2008-04-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

It's not going so well right now.

I can't stop eating.

I don't have the ganas to excersize. I'm just hitting a wall right now. I'm getting lazy about everthing. I still make some fairly smart choices when It comes to some of the foods I eat but I'm also just being lazy and negligent about stuff right now.

Overall I've still lost weight and I'm still going to the gym at least 3 times a week for the most part. I'm mean I'm slacking off but in no way I'm I nearly as bad as I had been in the past. I'm slipin a little but I'm pretty sure I can make a decent recovery and get back on track.

I switched gyms from 24 Hour Fitness to In Step. It's such a huge difference. The staff at 24 Hour are great really friendly folk don't get me wrong. But the facility itself is what's lacking. In Step is all newer equipent staff is great, I love their lounge area and the Juice bar is pretty fly also. Only thing In Step has done to piss me off since joining was let their steamroom be broken for something like 7 weeks. I was hella pissed about this and even sent an Email to Corperate about it. I got a generic response back and it eventually got fixed but I still say they took way to long to get it fixed so there I just vented about it for little I guess I'm better now.

Maybe one thing that also did me well in this time I have been slacking off a little bit is the fact that I gave up red meat for lent. This pretty much meant no hamburgers, steaks, hot dogs stuff like that. I made a small exception to the rule and let myself have Spam a couple of times cuz technicaly I don't think it could be classified as meat so Spam was safe. I ate a lot of chicken during this time and did Sushi at least once a week, couple of veggie pizza's here and there and a lot of Turkey Sandwich got me through this span of just over 40 days.

I'm still not eating a lot of red meat but I do have some now maybe something like once a week. Okay so there's a real quick update on this whole diet thing. I'm sliped a little but I think I can get right back up. JR

2007-09-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know it's been awhile.

But everything is going well trust me. I'm sure that everyone thought 'oh he stopped Blogging about his diet, he must've failed again'. But I haven't it's still going good I'm still going strong I'm more determined than ever before about losing weight now more than ever cause I'm actually seeing the results.

I just really stopped Blogging about it because it seemed like I was just saying the same things over and over and over again. The Blog just seemed too repetitious for me. Nothing has changed in my routine. What's the routine you ask?

No more Mexican Food!....lol no more Tortillas! No more Re fried Beans. Trust me if you ever wanted to quit Re fried Beans cold turkey all you have to do is watch my mom whip up a batch of them. When you see how much lard she puts into them you have to think to yourself damn where is all that lard going? Yep straight to your ass and thighs.

I stop and look at myself in the mirror all the time and I just can't believe how far I've come. I'm so stoked about the progress I've made and the lessons I've learned. What's the lesson I've learned well there's a lot of them but I think this is the most important one. Stop lying to yourself, figure out what it really that is causing you to be overweight.

I think one of the man reasons why I've had so much success this time around is I've identified and admitted to myself that in the past I ate so much because I was medicating myself...numbing myself with food. I was not tackling the other problems in my life by dealing with them. I dealt with them by eating. My life was out of control!

So in the past whenever I tried to lose weight I would go to the gym and try to lift weights work up a sweat try to lose weight.

Meanwhile I was still struggling with all my other life problems and when I wanted to get away from those problems I would medicate/sedate myself with food. I would drown my sorrows about love, drugs, and alcohol with FOOD! I was never fat because I didn't exercise I was fat because I had all these other issues in my life and food was how I dealt with them.

So I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm over the drugs, I'm over the alcohol I'm over being the self destructive person I thought I was destined to be. Now I can focus on the weight lose. Did all that make sense? Yeah I still party and have a good time....but I'm in control of it.

So my advise to anyone who is trying to lose weight is: First figure out why is it that your fat?

I ran this theory of mine past a friend of mine who has also had recent success with weight lose and she agreed with me. She too would eat to medicate herself. We replaced love, wealth, and happiness with cheeseburgers, Tortillas and Re fried Beans.

So first figure out why you eat so much. Are you using food to hide another problem you have? If so, then going to the gym is not going to help you just yet. First take on your real problems. Get your life in order....take control. Get some counseling talk to a friend go to Barnes and Noble and do some research. Once you've got your real problems straightened out then everything else will start to fall into place and you will find the happiness and joy you thought food would give you by living healthy and getting back into shape....word!

I'm JR I'm out.....peace ese'

2007-05-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

This is just a test post. I'mtrying to teach an old dog new tricks.

2007-03-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

I just tried to convince myself that the cottage cheese I was eating was really Ben N Jerry's Ice Cream. My brain was skeptical but my body believed it. I've been trying to listen to my body more so than my mind lately and it's been working for me.

My brain thinks, while my body feels. My brain thinks I'm tired, my body knows when I'm tired. My brain thinks I'm hungry my body knows when I'm hungry. I'm learning more to use food as fuel. How to keep myself refreshed and energized through out the day. I've begun to hate the lethargic like feeling you get after a huge meal. I don't like it when I've eaten too.

I think about every meal I have before i actually eat. I think about what I'm going to be doing after this? Am I going to be active or am I just going to go sit my ass down. If I know I'm just gonna go sit down then I don't let myself eat a lot cause then that food is just going to sit there. If I know I'll be at the gym in 2 hours I'll allow myself to eat a little more. But not too much cause nothing sucks more than feeling weighed down at the gym when your in the water.

Speaking of water. I wish I was drinking more water. Sometimes I think about it at the beginning of the day and on a good day I know I can easily drink close to a gallon of water in a day.

See all of this stuff goes through my mind now whenever I think about eating, it's a good thing though. I've never been this successful for so long on a diet before. I think that just may have been what the problem was in the past. I always thought about it as a diet.

In the past I would always tell myself 'okay dude your going on a diet'. And it would be something just temporary. This time I told myself 'dude you need to change the way your livin....or your gonna die'.

No more tortillas, no more 7-11 Chilli Dogs, no more AM/PM Hamburgers, no more Cheeto's with extra cheese from the Nachos. All that stuff kinda grosses me out now because I hate the way my body feels after I eat greasy foods now. It's all about chicken and fish now. Right now I'm actually eating a chicken salad with no salad dressing. My mind doesn't really believe its good. But my body knows it's gonna feel great at the gym in a coupla hours when I go for 50 today!!

2007-02-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

You can't beat yourself up!!

I just had a piece of Kahlua Cream Pie from Marie Calenders. Yes their pies are on sale for 5.99!!. I went down there the other night and bought 3 of them. The other two were mainly for the Familia (help keep them fat!), I have been all over that Kahlua and Cream probably until I finish it later this week. Bad huh? Well fuck it! I can't beat myself up about it.

What I can do is make sure I do go to the gym today (I'm going in about an hour or so) I need to make sure I eat a sensible breakfast (which I did) and make sure I don't eat anything, anything, else tonight, and I'll end up doing okay for the day. Not exactly the greatest day, but I did make progress today as far as I can see. I feel great, I enjoyes the pie but I'm paying for it all day.

I'm just trying to always look at things in a positive matter and if it's already messed up not dwell on how its messed up just do something to fix it, whatever just keeping moving forward, positive.

2007-02-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

Yeah, this is a picure of me and my two newest most favorite toys in the whole world!

First of all I went and got myself a water-proof case for my IPod. It was damn expensive but so far it's been worth every penny.

Swimming is pretty damn boring back and forth back and forth over and over. It was becoming a struggle to motivate myself to swim the laps especially all 20. I must admit there were a couple of days I know I cheated myself a lap or two or three. I was getting bored, some days I was just going through the motions not even really swimming hard or getting tired I was just there. Well music has changed all of this. Now I get to rock out the whole time I'm in the water. Been listening to the Killers a lot I love This River Runs Wild off of Sam's Town'....because that bitch keeps trying to make him prey...'

The second thing I bought, actually U2 Chick bought it for me. A snorkle, I guess that's what It's called, I'm really not sure? A tube and mask which allows me to breath underwater. I love it because the water proof headphones actually sound best underwater!! I'm in heaven lately at the gym. I just put my head down and rock out!! The Stokes, the Killers, She Wants Revenge, mandotory U2 and Bruce. There is so little resistance now when I swim since I can keep my head down now. I'm not a personal trainer so I don't know how to explain what's going on, but I do know for sure the gym just got a lot funner. It's sooooo much easier to find my Rythm. My arms just roll, and I feel my body bouncing from side to side I feel like I'm Lance riding up the 21 switchbacks of L'Alpe Duez, but I have 21 laps to swim and not 21 turns to take.

So the gym is great. I've gone all month except for a week or so I missed at the begining of the month when I caught the Flu or something. The workouts are going great and I'm feeling a little extra pep in my step. I'll blog more about it later, gotta go get ready for the gym.

2007-01-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

What's today...January 22nd? I'm pretty sure I've gone to the gym 14 times this year. Today was my 3rd day in a row after missing 4 days in a row. My excuse for missing 4 days in a row was because I was putting in a 60 hour plus week at work. All in my mind though. I was just being lazy, I could have gone if I really wanted too but I had already convinced my mind and body I needed a rest.

What got me to go back to the gym on that 5th day? I wanted to experience something brand new at the gym. The hang-over workout!!

I went to see The Filthies and the In Denials on Friday Night (the 4th day of not working out). I got wasted and to the best of my abilities I danced, moved, grooved my ass off!!

When I first started going to see the local heroes rock the mic I used to normally just sit in the back or down front somewhere. I would stand for one or two songs while trying to get a decent pic, then my tired ass would have to sit down again because I would start to tire out. Dude, it used to bum me the f--- out!!

But yeah, it's getting better now though and Friday Night was an all out celebration for me, The Filthies, The In Denials and all the other happy drunks in the crowd that night. We danced..and drank and drank and danced and some of us drank a lot more then others, then passed out and woke up on their best friends couch with a pretty good hang over all sore and s--- from dancin the night before.

After breakfast we decided we better get back to reality and head to the gym. "Dude this is gonna be the first time I've gone to the gym with a hanger" I told U2 Chick. "Maybe we should take it easy" she warned me.

Ah man the hot water in the Jacuzzi hit the spot that day. U2 Chick and I sat for a few minutes it was heaven. "Okay, ready to start sweatin those beers out?" U2 chick asked me. We made our way to the steam room poured some water into the thingy then came the heat and the humidity and the sweat. We sat, and sweat and stunk up the place of Newcastle, Corona, Jagger Bombs and sweat. I could smell the beer I could taste the beer as the sweat ran down my checks. I smiled...grinned thinking about how much fun I had the night before.

So yeah, it's going pretty good folks, keep reading, keep supporting me, keep praying for me. I need all the help I can get I still have a long road ahead of me. Thank, JR Peace Ese'

ps...I had one of those protein burgers from In and Out after the gym tonight. It was pretty damn good. In case your wondering what it is. It's a regular hamburger made with no bread. They wrap it in lettuce, good stuff. Bye!!

2007-01-03T23:32:00.000-08:00

Where did I leave off?

I'm back for a second my old friends. Okay a real quick run down for those who've just joined.

I started working out in April. April through August were really good for me I did great I was Unstoppable. I was losing weight and I felt it, I felt great. September, well actually I think more like late August I started getting bored. I changed it up, started attending water aerobic classes. Those were cool and I was finding my stride again. Then one of the aerobic instructors quits and I get bored again. October and November were total loses as far as the gym was concerned I was rarely there and the eating habits started slippin.

I'd say in late October I started feeling sluggish again. I had put some weight back on. Maybe not much but I could feel it. My energy level was down, I was getting tired throughout the day, and my sleeping was starting to suck again. I was eating later at night and this was causing me to not sleep comfortably. Lets just say the roller coaster was starting to go the wrong way on me.

December hits. Enough,is enough I said to myself.

I don't know who got motivated first me or U2 Chick (who had been the greatest workout partner ever in August and September)but we made our way back to the gym. December was a good month, I'd say I went to the gym a good 17-20 times in the month of December. The eating wasn't still really under control again. But I was back on pace at the gym.

Okay now we're in 2007 and I've gone to the gym 2 out of 3 days in this new year and I'd really like to go tomorrow before work. I have my energy back and I'm sleeping good. The food, ehh, I'm doing good I could be doing better. I'm trying to do Juice It Up more than Starbucks these days, but the Caramel Machiato's are sooo bomb all nice and warm at this time of year. True, U2 Chick and I did discover Californialiscious, but we could be doing more....and we will. Just watch

I'm drinking lots and lots of water and pissin like 20 times a day. Before I swim my laps at the gym I go into the steam room for at least two songs on the IPod, which by the way has become a huge part of the work out. I thought I forgot my head phones today and about spazzed out. I love rockin out in the steam room with my IPod. I sit there and rock back and forth, sometimes strumming my air guitar. I really don't trip on what people think. Honestly I don't even think they trip.

Matter of fact the other day there was no one in there and I got up and started dancin. Dude I couldn't help it, I was rocking out to Wham Rap!! '....enjoy whatcha do!'

Anywayz, I noticed the other day I don't mind looking at myself in the mirror as much as I used to. I used to hate mirrors I avoided them at all costs. I really hated everything about looking at myself in the mirror and the task of losing weight just seemed like and endless probability, and not even a possibility.

These last few weeks I'm looking in the mirror and I'm seeing progress. I look and I think, huh, maybe I just am going to make it because I can see it. I can see the progress. I can see it I can feel it and this drives me right now. I wonder whats going to drive me 3 or 4 months from now what walls or obstacles I'm going to face and if I'll get over them? Word, JR Peace Ese'....yeah fool I said Wham Rap!!

2006-12-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

Californialiscious!!

I think U2 Chick and I invented a word!! It came to us on Friday evening as we threw a semi healthy munch at Sizzler after our 20 laps in the pool. "OMG this salad is Californialiscious" I said to U2 Chick as we munched. "I know exactly what you mean" she said in between mouthfulls.

Mouthfulls of lettuce, tomato, carrots, and corn. All I'm pretty sure grown here in this great County if not most definitely in this beautiful State of California. All so ripe, fresh, juicy and full of life.

Californialiscious stayed on my mind all weekend. What else is Californialiscious? I thought while driving home today. What else is beautiful and screams 'California baby!' right at you. I turned to the left and for a second watched the sun setting I looked to my right and saw those beautiful mountains the rays of light penetrating through those dark clouds and bouncing right back on to the valley floor. I looked to the right again and squinted into the sun like I've done a thousand times before. Man that sunset is Californialiscious I thought to myself.

"Hey lets go to Sizzler again after we swim, have some more Californialiscious food?" I holla'd to U2 Chick in-between laps. "Okay" she said. "Lets do it". We drove to Sizzler right after the gym again and this time instead of ordering an entree' and a salad we both only ordered the salad....All you can eat of course.

"Isn't this the most Californialiscious salad you've ever had?" I asked. "Hey, did you catch that Californialiscious sunset?" I inquired. "What's the most Californialiscious part of your salad?" "it has to be the carrots" she answered. Hmm are those Grimmway carrots I pondered.

I love this County, I love this City, I love this State. Oh wait, did I say that already? So what else is Californialiscious? Anything beautiful grown, born, raised, cultured in California. The possibilities are endless. I'm JR, I'm out. Peace Ese'

2006-10-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

Damn, I did it! I stumbled out of bed @ 6:30am this morn put on my swim trunks, grabbed a towel, a Bennie, put on a sweater and went to the gym. I walked in and the lady was all "where you been Jesus?" I grinned and put my head down.

Yes I've been bad lately. I haven't been going to the gym as often as I'd like. I have a thousand excuses for this but in the end I just found myself in a rut and I just wasn't making the effort to go. Anyways, I'm not gonna beat myself up about it. I went today and that's three days in a row so that counts for something.

Okay the goal today is NO CHOCOLATE!! This time of year has always been the worse for me as far as eating goes. October is always bad because I start eating Halloween candy about the second week and don't stop until mid November. Then I eat pumpkin pies for about a month then it's Christmas cookies and New Years Ham and all the traditional holiday fat stuff we eat every year.

Yesturday I was buying a head of lettuce and mushrooms at Albertsons and there on the counter were the Halloween candy. The Reece's Peanut Butter filled chocolates. I tried to resist but I couldn't the lady was about to give me my total and I handed her one "here, add this please" I said like a crack addict. I munched it in the car and realized this was the third day in a row I had eaten some chocolate. Okay the chocolate must stop. NO CHOCOLATE TODAY!!!

2006-10-19T01:19:00.000-07:00

So I went to dinner the other night with NL and Matildakay. "Wanna meet us at Olive Garden?" MKaY asked me over the celly one recent Saturday night after work. We all had made planes to chase the moon later on that night and we needed to fill our fat bellies before making the trek. "Cool, I'm on my way" I said.

Olive Garden yes, bomb! I love that place. Salad, bread sticks, The Giro De Italia Sampler was already on my mind, then maybe some more bread sticks oh and Parmesan cheese graded into my salad right in front of me. Yep I could grub me some Olive Garden I was thinking as I sped across town anxious to sit down to a nice dinner with some cool new friends.

Was this the first time I've sat down and eaten with NL and Mkay? I thought to myself. I've been to backyard Bar B Q's at NL's pad before but not something with just the three of us. Hmm I thought this could be interesting or better yet this could be something to blog about!!!

So I get to the Garden and their already seated looking over menus. I sit down and we catch each other up on our day, our lives, our blogs. His blog, my blog, her blog. Blog, blog, blog it's all we know. A-ha a menu gets handed to me, here's something else I know about food!!! They keep talking about writing,. What they've learned what they know who they know what they want to accomplish with their writing. I casually slip away from the conversation and start to salivate over the menu. Oh what should I have?

Last time I was here I'm pretty sure I had the Shrimp Alfredo. My niece told me recently she usually gets the Giro De Italia cause it has a little bit of everything and leaves her stuffed, full to where she could barely walk. That's what I'm talkin about. I was strongly considering it. Then I thought to myself. This is something I'm trying to do a whole lot more of now when I eat. Actually think about what I'm about to eat.

Was I actually and truly hungry right now? I wasn't actually hungry, but I knew it was time to eat cause I hadn't eaten in a few hours I guess so might as well eat now. Right? Which makes me think why do I eat? Should I eat every few hours that I'm awake or should I only eat when I feel My body telling me 'hey you need some gas, some energy, feed me' Eat only when I feel the actual pangs of hunger, the emptiness of my gut howling at me. I mean come on how many times can I actually say I had ate because I was starving? Because my stomach was actually growling? Never I thought, I just eat because I think to myself okay it's time to eat so, lets eat.

My best friend U2 chick likes to say. "I'm a carnivour, I eat meat" I agree with this philosophy. My dad used to say "food is to be eaten" I agree with this one too.. My family and all my fiends are what you can call "good eaters" not much leftovers hanging around at our pads food is to be eaten, not saved for later, "you want that, cause I'll eat it" "oh man there's none left? I didn't even get to taste any!!" That's the kind of stuff you heard around mi casa.

Normal sized people like NL and Mkay eat differently than fat people and I was about to find that out.

The waitress came and asked if we were ready. We said yes, Mkay ordered first. "I'll have the pizza" she said. "Would you like to add a soup or salad?" The waitress asked. "Nope, just the pizza" How weird I thought. She came to Olive Garden and is not having the salad? Is that legal? The salad is soooo bomb here and they grade the cheese right in front of you!!! NL was up next. "I'll just have a bowl of soup" he said. Soup? Just soup, at the Olive Garden!. You gotta be fuckin kidding me. These people know there's so much more to eat here right? So much more than just soup.

I was up next. The waitress looked at me and I panicked, froze like a deer in the headlights. Only seconds before I had been all set to order the Giro but I couldn't order all that food now. I would look like a pig in front of these two. I would have several plates in front of me while I ate and they would have their one. People would stare I just knew it. I would be asking for more bread sticks as they asked for the check I feared. In a haste I ordered the chicken something or another. It sounded healthier and like less than what I was gonna order originally, and I asked for salad too. I had to have my salad.

We snacked on breadsticks and chatted while we waited for our food. I only had one piece as I've grown to fear bread now in my dieting days I know by now it's just no good for me. The food arrived and I prepared to eat.

NL sipped his soup and I dug into my chicken it was good. I glanced over at Mkay to see how she was doing with her pizza. OMG, she was eating it with a fork!! What a classy chick I thought to myself. She didn't eat pizza the way I'd seen pizza be eaten my whole life. I myself traditionally take two slices at a time folding them over making a make shift Calzone' on the fly. A trick I learned from my brother. She ate her pizza with a fork!!! I knew she was a class act but this took the cake (see even my references are food relate, damn no wonder I'm fat!).

Ah man I should eat dinner with these two more often I thought. They ate normal portions of food and therefore they have normally proportioned bodies. I mean I'm sure they have their own things to be self conscious about we all do right?

But in the end they helped me learn that just because everything is good at the Olive Garden doesn't it doesn't mean I have to eat everything at the Olive Garden every time I go there? I don't have to treat every meal as if it were my last. This journey has just begun hasn't it?

2006-09-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

I got on the bike and started peddling again today. Ready for my two song 10 minute or so work out. This time I knew exactly what button to press, the seat was already adjusted and the IPod was on Shuffle. Once again though the first two or three songs were a little to slow I had to search and search for the right groove. Ah yes that "....You were a Vampire now baby I'm the living dead song..." By Concrete Blond. Nice and fast, good singable chorus it's on.

I lean back and start groovin. Damn this shit is hard. Was it this hard yesterday, yesterday doesn't matter just peddle. I spoon feed my brain positive motivational thoughts. Pedal it's suppose to hurt...go!..go!

I had said my goal today was going to be 1.50 on the distance reader but when the song ended I was dying. My lower back was killing me and the inside of my thighs were screaming. Okay I thought I don't need to kill myself on the second day of bikes I thought. I'm changin up the workout right now, on the fly and I'm only riding 1.0 again like yesterday as long as I do the same as yesterday and not less, that'll work for me, I rationalized. The next song came on please something rocking I thought. " deep inside of a parallel universe......" By the Red Hots, fuck I love this song I thought. Go pedal. ".....I'm a Kalifornia King!!" I sang along to myself in my head. I think I maybe even raised my arms as if I was crossing the finish line of the Little 500 bicycle race.

I hit the 1.0 mark on the display a few seconds before the song ended. I slowed my peddling down and come to a stop. Resting my arms on the handle bar shaking just a little breathing hard and sweatin good. Pretty cool I thought, good job. Just then the lady next to me tapped my shoulder. I turned she was saying something but I couldn't hear cause Fruciante was wailing some sick guitar in my ears. I pulled out the ear pieces, "huh, I said" still breathing heavy.

"You should try this machine, that ones weird I don't like it" she suggested.

"Really, it makes a difference on different bikes?" I asked puzzled looking down at the bike she was offering me.

"Yes that ones old this is a newer machine you can feel the difference" she smiled and began to walk away.

I was already beat. I hope she didn't think I was going to ride that thing right now did she? Then I thought well if I don't then maybe that'll look rude. I didn't want to come off lookin snobby. Hell with it dude just get on then stop when she's far enough away I thought. "Okay I'll give it a try" I said getting on. "THanks" I smiled...oh boy here we go again.

Okay guess I'll need another song. I put my ear plugs back in hit the 'quick bike ride' key and pressed play on the IPod again. I heard the all too familiar guitar intro of Mr Brownstone- Guns and Fuckin Roses. Yes!! I love this song I thought and started to pedal.

Damn this bike is soooo much easier. The seat was more at an angle and the lower part of my back wasn't hurting like the first ride. I also wasn't bouncing all ovet the place like I was on that last bike. Awesome I thought. Pedal harder, go! go!.

"...We've been dancin with Mr Brownstone...."

Man this song brings back memories. Now that I think about it though, those memories aren't as good to reflect upon the way they once were when I first loved and lived this song.

"..I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do, and so the little got more and more...."

I used to have a bad drug problem I wasted away years of my life doing dope. Being high as a kite not caring about anything or anyone but myself and the next high. The usage started off casually and I always considered myself a casual user for years and years until one day realized I've casually been using now for years and years.

".....he's been knocking he won't leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!..."

That was me, but in the past. Those days are no more, fuck this song. All this was going on in my head as I peddled and pondered.

Now what, where, am I now. I had wasted all those years, they were gone. What am I doing now? What was I doing? I was riding a bike, why?

" ....I just keep trying to get a little better just a little better than before!!!!"

I'm tryin to better myself now!. In that instance in those five or six pedal strokes it took for Axl to sing that line to me one more time. The same line I'd heard a thousand times before suddenly took on new meaning a whole new life. Where there was a deadend in this song before there was now a light. Because the energy the mindlessness, the wrecklessness I once used to destroy myself. I have reharnessed and redirected I'm using it for good now. To better myself.

"....It drove me out of my mind!!!!..."

2006-09-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

Best work out in 6 weeks I swear!!

These last 6 weeks although I've been eating good and staying really active have not been my best work out weeks by far. I hit a place in the workouts where the swimming had gotten boring, even though I still love the water. I love the weightlessness I feel when I'm in the water I can take these huge strides where I left myself off the ground and I feel like Neil Armstrong walking on the moon if just for one second I feel like I can do anything. But like I said the swimming still got to be boring.

I changed it up a little when I started attending water aerobics classes. The interaction with other humans (mostly chicks!!) was something that was really lacking in my workouts. There was one water aerobic class in particular that this dude taught I really dug. It was called aquando and he mixed in a lot of punching and kicking and stuff like that. Of the three different aerobics instructors I'd worked out with at 24 Hour fitness his class was the most fun and also the most intense workout. The other two instructors got boring to me really quick no matter how many cute chicks did happen to attend.

So I was still going to the gym just not as often and the aerobics made me start to enjoy it again just like before. Then wouldn't ya know it some shit goes down with the instructors boss or something they took away one of his classes or something like that to give to this new chick and he gets mad and quits....fuck!! What about me!!! I need to like my workouts in order for me to go!! Quickly I became burned out on the gym again. The work outs went from 5 a week to 4 a week to 3 a week. It was getting bad and I knew I had to make a change. I had to adapt or this diet thing was about to die!!

I bought an IPod a few weeks back with the hopes of buying a water proof case for it and using it in the pool. If I got music in my life I can do anything. I'll make really intense workout playlists and start giving it my all again I thought to myself. But I haven't gotten around to buying a case yet and the IPod just kinda sits there I've only used it a few times. Then last week I took my niece to the gym with me. It's kinda hard convincing her to go sometimes so I used the IPod to bribe her. "lets go to the gym" I said. "you can borrow my IPod" she agreed and we went. We got there and we both went our separate ways. Me into the swimming area and her to the side I've never ventured into where all the other non swimmers go.

I had a solid 45 minute session of swimming, steam room, swimming, hot tub. I dried off got dressed and walked out into the lobby expecting to see my niece waiting for me. Everytime we go, she always finishes before me and I find her sitting in the lobby afterwards waiting looking bored. Well this time she wasn't there....Hmm could she still be working out? It's been almost an hour? I went looking for her.

I found her on one of those sitting bikes the kind you can lean back on, the ones they have on the floor not up the stairs. She was beet red, sweating like a dog, rocking out to music oblivious of everything around her. I got her attention and we took off. She was glowing in the car grinning from ear to ear the way I used to look after my workout....I was starting to get jealous. "Did you have a good workout I asked, did the IPod make a difference?" "yeah, dude the time just flew by, I listened to Dre, Pac, Eminem". Damn that's some good work out music I thought. I was now officially jealous.

So, today I made plans to go to the gym, for the first time in 6 days mind you. I almost went a whole week without working out, but I did get a hell of a workout running around Dodger Stadium the other night. I had my IPod and I was ready to give the bike machine a try I had no idea how it was going to go. Would the bike be strong enough to hold me, would I actually be able to pedal it, was I going to look like a complete fool? Well really the latter doesn't phase me anymore. I found a machine way off in the corner kind of out of the way, I walked over and stood in front of it for a second. How do I move the seat back is what I was pondering and will it go back far enough for me to squeeze in? I found the lever slid the seat back, hiked up my leg and mounted that bad boy. I sat down and reached for the pedals with my feet. Wow I fit!! Not only did I fit but I had to move the seat up, I fit and I had room to spare! Now, how do I turn this damn thing on? I started peddling and all sorts of lights came on, I panicked wtf? Oh wait I forgot I had my Ipod I stopped peddling and turned on the IPod.

What should I listen to, I had no clue? I hit random, started peddling again the music started Wonder by Natalie Merchant, nah too slow hit forward, Don't Speak by No Doubt, way too damn slow, I need something to get me going man. Hit forward again Badlands-Bruce Springsteen live in Barcelona fuck yeah I love this song, this live version kicks ass and comes in at just over 6 minutes 6 minutes and 23 seconds to be exact. Perfect. I began to pedal again the lights come back on. Here we go. 'Select a workout' the display said. I picked 'bike ride' seemed simple enough. 'Select desired time' uhhh um 20 minutes selected in haste knowing I'd never last that long. 'Enter your age' WTF is this a myspace survey man? I just want to pedal and sweat for crying out load why they gotta complicate things with all these damn questions? Then I saw a button that said 'quick ride' or something like that, so I punched that and it stopped asking all the questions and just went into workout mode. It gave me my RPM's, Distance, Heart Rate, and calories burned. Cool I thought I liked this. I leaned back and got comfortable.

How long should I ride? How long will I last? Whoa check out the three hot chicks in front of me on the elliptical. All these thoughts raced through my mind as I peddled away. I felt the blood start rushing to my head, and little beads of sweat began to run down my forehead and cheeks, down my neck and around my back. This is feeling good I though. Badlands ended the distance on the display read .50 was that half a mile? The calories burned showed 33. Not bad I thought. Should I stop? Silence for a second then the next song started Dr Dre's The Day the N's Took Over. This is an intense song with hypnotic beat and some angry angry lyrics if you've never heard it. Perfect keep peddling I thought, this song is about 4 minutes long. I made my goal 1.00 on the distance display whether that meant a mile or one tenth of a mile I would give it my all until I reached it. I leaned back and gave it all I had. My belly jiggled my feet screamed and the sweat began to poor.

I hit my goal just as the music ended. I stopped peddling I sat for a second and enjoyed that work out high I was feeling you know the one I'm talking about if you've ever worked out. It feels great and I love it. I changed into my swimming trunks and hit the hot tub. I sat in the hot water soothing my aching bones. I could still feel my blood pumping pretty hard, my breathing was a little heavy but I wasn't dying or anything like that, like I said I felt good. I hit the steam room next, time to sweat profusely. 5 minutes in there and I was ready to swim. Breathing perfect, blood pumping, pours opened up pouring out the sweat. Out with the bad in with the good. I hit the pool and did my 20. Got out I felt great. Yep best workout in six weeks I can't wait to get back there tomorrow. Tomorrow my goal is 1.5 on the bike hopefully I can ride for three songs. We'll see. I'm out JR

2006-08-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

Dude, I fucking danced!

Not like the early 90's to mid 90's version of JR at a Mento Buru show. But more like a slower, getting a little better each day 2006 version of JR.

I used to go to Mento Buru shows every weekend it seemed and dance until I'd walk out of the venue at the end of the night soaked in sweat all stinky with a euphoric glow on my face...Smiling.

When I started this thing I was rarely going to Mento Buru shows anymore and I sure as hell didn't dance. Hell to tell the truth I hated going to the grocery store 8 months ago because just walking from my car into the store and back was taking it's toll on me!!! But I did go to the occasionally Mento show and I would often times get depressed watching the baddest band in Bako not being able to express my joy by dancing and singing along.

So, I saw the Red Hot Chilli Peppers in Fresno the other night. I stood for a lot of the Mars Volta set, but sat down every once in awhile trying to conserve my energy for the RHCP.

And then it happened.....Shortly after 9pm the lights went down and out came the Red Hots. The music started slow but then quicker than you can say damn, the tempo changed and the funky grooves started....Bam!!

I was already standing then all of a sudden my arms went up and I just started grooving. Three songs in....'dude I'm still standin!' I screamed "Fruscanti, your my hero" I don't think he heard me though. It didn't matter. I was with my best friend watching a show and I was far from the JR I had been several months ago. But best of all I was dancing.

I started this thing for several reasons. One of them being I missed doing the things I had been able to do years ago. Ride a bike, run up stairs, dance my ass off at a show! One down several more to go. One day at a time....more still to come. JR

2006-07-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

Dude what's up with this crazy weather! I got out of the shower this morning hoping I wasn't going to have to drive to work dealing with rain and wet roads. Well the roads were wet but it had stopped raining by then. I drove to work and got to watch a beautifully lighting storm in the skies to the west of us this morning, it was breathtaking I tell you I wish you all could have seen it.

There is a box of donuts on top of the fridge. Not Hostess or Dolly Madison or even Entamans for that matter. Fresh Bakery Donuts in the pink box, the kind that are twice as big, twice as soft and probably twice as fattening. They're just sitting there calling me.

My stomach is telling me I'm just a little hungry, the don't would fit perfectly into the little hole that is allegedly in my stomach right now. My mind has joined in the fight and is trying it's hardest to convince me I did "extra good" today by going to the gym twice! "go ahead you deserve a don't" I'm trying to convince myself.

These are the thoughts that go through my head as I walk into the kitchen after getting home from the gym a few minutes ago. fortunatly though I had a cool talk with an RN while I was down there. She gave me a few health tips while we sat in the steam room. Half a Dixie cup of some peanuts she told me would be a good protein snack to myself whenever I was hungry at night. Well I couldn't find a Dixie cup so I had two handfuls I think that's about the same give or take. I spared the donutes. Maybe I'll have one tomorrow morning as a treat.....or not!

My co worker came back from lunch today just glowing, she looked perfectly content as she took the seat next to mine. " just had the best hamburger in the world, you eat if and you gain 10 lbs though, I swear" she then decribed the greatest hamburger in the world to me. Made with ground beef with just the right amount of fat on it, cooked on a flat grill so that it just got soaked in it's own juices topped with grilled onions and melted cheese. My mouth watered as she told me I could get this burger along with fries and a drink at some car wash on 34th st. for just 6 bucks! I pass by this place on my way to the gym. No hamburger for me today. Food, food, food, greasy American food, I love it don't get me wrong, but it's all about moderation.

So twice today I fought the tempation to have something tasty. Bad food is all around me and good food for the most part you have to go out of your way and make an extra effort to attain. It sucks that we've let this happen to our culter. Has anyone ever read this book? Fast Food Nation, I borrowed it from U2 chick a few years ago. There's some heavy duty stuff in there.

Once again thanks to everyone who's left a comment, sent me an email, given one word of encouragement. It means a lot to me and motivates the hell out of me, thanks!!

2006-07-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

I look and stare at my stomach every day with the bewilderment and amazement of a pregnant woman. Only the process is going backwards and when its all over a new Jesse will be born not a new baby. Okay that's kinda twisted but I do trip on my stomach every day lately. Only it's shrinking not growing, holy shit it really is getting smaller I can no longer ignore it or tell myself that it's just wishful thinking it is getting smaller.

It's coming in from the sides and my chest and doesn't stick out in front of me as far as before. This morning I drove my nieces car to the gym because my car is still being worked on. In the past I've hated driving my nieces car because my stomach would rub against the steering wheel when I drove. This morning I noticed it didn't rub as bad as before and if I actually sucked my stomach in (which is another thing I was never able to do before) I could steer freely and my stomach would not rub at all. Crazy huh, well it's true.

So these are the baby steps I'm taking to rid myself of this plaque/this disease/this cancer I let take over my body/my self esteem/my mind over all these years.

I'm fighting back because I want my life back!! I want to ride a bike again, I want to play in a softball game again, I want to jog up a flight of stairs. I want to get into a friends car and not have to worry about whether or not the seat belt is going to cover my enormous stomach. Then if it didn't having to deal with that whole awkward situation afterwards while my friends seatbelt light is going off and I explain to them that the seatbelt doesn't fit.

That shit's just whack and I'm tired of it. No one to blame but myself and I'm not really trying to lay blame or get sympathy I'm just getting this stuff out because maybe it will help someone else with an eating problem a drinking problem or any other problem that is not letting them live a happy life.

I'm living again, happily, still fat but I don't feel guilty about it anymore because I know that every moment of every day I am now aware of my problem and I'm doing something about it.....okay, i'm going to the gym now. Peace JR

2006-07-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

Holy shit has it really been two months since I last updated? I knew it was a long time when I couldnt remember my pass word just now when I signed in. Okay kids so where did we leave off? Hold on let me re read my last post that'll give me a better idea.

Yeah Okay that was a long time ago. I've made some more adjustments mostly to my eating the gym routine is still mostly the same only I have started going into the steam room to just plain sweat more often. Last week I even went twice a day a few times which seemed crazy at first but fuck it I had nothing else to do than sit and watch TV, so off the the gym I went. I must give a quick shout out to my good friend U2 Chick she's been picking me up and dropping me off for the Night Swimming (i love that song) sessions to help conserve gas and to just plain have someone to talk too. They gym could be an awfully lonely and intimidating place if you let it be.

I made a huge change a few weeks ago as far as my morning coffe and donuts go. GONE! no more coffee and donuts in the morning. My morning breakfast is now a SlimFast Shake blended with a banana and a Starbucks Frap one of those little bottled ones they sell at the store. That's my breakfast now then lunch is a Pita sandwich with turkey and non fat swiss cheese, a bagel and some cottage cheese with pineapple. I think the next adjustment I make to my diet is going to be half a Pita sandwich a day insead of a whole Pita every day I think that will cut back about 90 calories I'm not sure though.

I'm starting to be able to stop eating when I'm full not just finishing the food on my plate because it's there. I'm always thinking about the gym and swimming my laps i hate when I feel sluggish at the gym I love when I feel light and ready to go thats the best feeling.

2006-05-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

Okay so when did we last speak? Told you guys about the 30 lapper day right? Well since then I've been to the gym 4-5 times every day except for Sunday. I did at least 20 every day except for 2 exceptional days one where I did 26 and the other I hit 34. The other days were nothing to brag about but I did "get er done!" .

I did some important research on Starbucks and.....OMG! Major adjustments are needed at Starbucks for me. My favorite drink a Double Chocolate Chip Frap, you won't believe how many calories. ......Yeah, so when I when to Starbucks Saturday during lunch I got a Caramel FrappuccinoÂ® Light Blended Coffee instead. Check out the difference

The other day a friend of mine asked me if I was counting the calories I ate everydayy? No I'm not gonna let myself get that anal about this whole thing. Anyway that would make me look at this whole thing like it was a diet. I'm not trying so much to diet as I am just trying to change my ideas of food and eating. Change my whole outlook on eating.

I love food I love everything about it. I love to cook I love to eat, I love the way food smells the way it looks and of course the way it tastes. So I'm not gonna count calories and starve myself. I am however and hopefully the Starbucks info will help explain this. I just need to find different ways to enjoy the foods I love without doing the damage to myself that I've let it do in the past. Damn it seems like that'ss the story of my life. Enjoy it but not in excess. So I'm making little adjustments here in there like the Starbucks one every week, every day, every hour it seems.

2006-04-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Back from Sacto and feeling better than ever I hit the gym yesterday feeling good and ready to do some damage!

No sooner had I done 4 laps ready for more did I look over into the next lane and see none other than Jason Manning of Box Jumper. "what's up dude??!!" we both said to each other almost simultaneously. We ended up yapping to each other like little kids for almost 10 minutes then we kept yapping while we walked instead of swam another 20 minutes. So needless to say I didn't even count the laps yesterday and just considered the day a lose.

I was ready to make up for it today though. I walked 2 laps then swam 2 thinking about how I wasn't here trying to impress anyone, I wasn't here trying to set any records....but personal bests....those are always nice. It's nice to know you did more, went further, reacted stronger than you have in the past. With this in the back of my head I let other thoughts come in and go out freely as I swam and swam 2 laps at a time taking 30 second breaks in between.

Before I knew it I had swam 10 I only needed to swim 2 more to reach my goal. I stopped swimming and started walking I needed to walk 6 before swimming the last 2. Confused? Sorry, it gets like that sometimes. Then before I knew it I was done completely I can go home now, I'm finished.

But my legs kept wanting to move and my arms told me they could keep up with my legs and I leaned forward in the water put my head down and started kicking with my feet, 2.....4......6....Do I have 2 more in me? Fuck it don't think just swim. 8 laps hell yeah!! Now lets walk 2 just to make it an even 30 laps for the day, I swam 20 and walked 10. A new personal best.

2006-04-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm taking a 4 day break from the gym this will be my last post for this week. I'm heading to Sacramento for three days for cousin Pete's wedding. I'll post a pic of myself in a tux later on for all you ladies out there...j/k, but really I'll post a pic.

I fixed the comments so anyone can comment now not just bloggers, thank you Katerz for reminding me!! Thanks to everyone's who has commented keep doing so it really motivates me and fires me up. Not like I'm not fired up about this thing by myself.

I've dieted before several times. Actually I wasn't always this big. In high school I was still pretty athletic, I played tennis and road a bike. 20-40 mile bike rides were not uncommon to me and my group of friends, we used to easily ride well over 100 miles a week.

It was after high school that I really began destroying my body, and to some extent my mind. Drugs and drinking I can talk about those days for hours on end but not today, I'm in a good mood and in good spirits. I've left those demons behind me and I haven't looked back since.

So, good bye for now I'll be back next week. Happy 4-20!!! Peace JR

2006-04-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

Food is always on my mind. What I can, what I can't eat. What I will what I won't eat. Is it a treat or is it a threat? How many calories, how many grams of fat all this shit goes through my mind all day long as I sit and think about when/what was the last thing I ate what/when will be the next thing I eat. Am I hungry or am I just feeding myself, I have no clue. Food, food, food, food, food, food.

As I drive to the gym after work here's what I see. Bucko's Drive In....mmmmm deep fried burritos the kind you can only get at these greasy spoon type places, Fosters Freeze.....mmmmmmm a cone dipped in chocolate. The Ice House....mmmm Steak with a baked potato. Carls Jr....mmmmm a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger the greatest fuckin burger ever made! Okay awesome I made it to the gym and didn't stop at any of these places. I could have easily stopped at any one. I was driving all by myself I have money in my pocket I could buy whatever I want but I made the decision not to. Phew!

WTF? Where'd all these dudes come from. The swimming pool that I had all to myself yesterday was packed today. No more calm peaceful waters today the pool was crazy and the water was bouncing to and fro up against the walls and back into my face as I approached the wall almost finishing another lap. These weren't the funnest conditions to swim in I'd rather be in here when there are less people and the waters are smoother. Or is that just my excuse to quit early today, go home, not do the required swim 12 walk 8.

No seriously it sucked trying to swim with all those dudes in there so I compromised a little I swam 10 and walked 12 actually doing 2 more laps than usual but swimming 2 less.

I was starving when I got home and........WHO THE FUCK BOUGHT DONUTS!!!!!! There it was sitting on top of the fridge that little pink square box that used to make my mouth water at the site. Now just triggered anger. Dude everyone knows I'm on a diet, why would they do this to me? Alright I'm over it, just cause I cant have donuts doesn't mean everyone else in this house has to suffer. I'll just ignore the box act like I don't see it, but there it is. I wonder if there's an old fashioned glazed or a chocolate one with rainbow sprinkles.....Yeah okay so these are the thought that go through my head. JR

2006-04-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Do I fill in the 8 month gap or should I just start writing and fill you in later? I'm just gonna jump in.

I went to the gym again today like I have almost every day of the last 3 weeks. I've been going to 24 Hour Fitness on Rosedale. I jump in the jacuzzi for about 10 mins to just relax and relieve stress then I start looking at the swimming pool and wonder who's gonna kick who's ass today? Will I dog it on my 20 laps or will I feel good and do it with no pain. Okay lets throw in a cliche here "No Pain No Gain"!

I did the math a few weeks ago 20 laps is roughly 1/4 of a mile. My goal every day is to walk 8 and swim 12, doesnt matter to me how I do them so long as I do them. Walk 2 then swim 2 then walk 4 then swim 6 whatever, just as long as I get er done so to say. I was dogging it today after swimming the first 2, I was positive I could do 4 without stopping because I had done 8 without stopping just the other day. Thats when the voices in my head started.

Just quit, go home early you deserve a day off, no one will know. The girl at the front door will notice, my family will notice i got home early. I'm tired I dont I have the Ganas today .......fuck that you can do it come JR go..

I think of Lance Armstong in the Alps I think of Kirk Gibson starring down Dennis Eckersly. I think of pizza, tortillas, I watch my arms move in then out of the water I feel my legs kick. I think of how silly my feet must look. I just swam 2 laps without stopping I can do two more. I feel the back of my leg wanting to cramp up, if I stop now I'll surely cramp so just swim through it. 2 more laps, 2 more laps. I'm winded out of breath how many is that? 6 i think plus the 2 i walked, 8. Okay go ahead and walk 2 then swim 4.

So this is how I've spent the last several afternoons from about 1:00 to 1:30 pm. I finish it off with 10mins in the steam room.

2005-08-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

Last night was pretty rough. My mom made enchiladas, rice and beans. Man thats some good stuff. I had already eaten and I really wasn't hungry. I had a stuffed Pita bread and and I quesadilla on some low fat tortilla wraps I found at Albertsons, they have zero fat and are only 50 calories.

The hard part was when eveyone got home about a half hour later and started eating dinner. I could see their plates full of good food and they all gathered around the talbe talked about their days. They drank tea and warmed tortillas up for one another. Like I said I had already eaten but Lately I eat alone just to not be tempted. But food has always been an important part of our family and sitting down for a good meal of some of moms home cooked food has always been a blessing.

2005-08-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

I started this thing on July 20th so I just recently completed my first month and I must say that I am very happy with the results. I realy feel like I've gotten back exactly what I've put in.

Once again one month of no tortillas, no hamburgers, no hot dogs, no fried eggs, no fried potato's, hard no fried anything. I'm liking my Pita's I'm loving my Healthy Choice Ice Creams.

The nights aren't very hard because I had mostly stopped eating at night already. It's the in between meals times that are hard. Damn another hard thing is just living in this house and seeing and smelling all this great Mexican Food on a daily basis.

It's all going good though and I'm happy with the results so far is all I can really say in summing it up.

Friday night I went to see The Filthies play and for the first time in the last year or so that I've been watching local bands play I was able to stand up for the entire set!! Oh I got tired and I leaned against the wall a little. But for the most part I stood for the entire 30-45 minute set. Hell yes!

2005-08-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

Here's some usefull information I found on EGGS

Here's what I ate today:

2 hard boiled eggs and two pieced of Roman Meal Bread for Breakfest.
Lunch was 4 oz of Cottage Cheese (low fat)
mid afternoon i had about 100 calories of salted peanutes

I think my dinner was bad 1 fried chicken breast without the skin with with Bulls Eye Bar B Q sauce.

2005-08-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

It's going well so far I believe I have lost about 10-15 pounds but I have no way of telling exactly because I do not have a scale. I"m simply going off of what my family is telling me and how my clothes are fitting me. I know it's going to be baby steps for a long time but i'm not complaining I'm happy with the progress I have made.

I stress the fact that I am Mexican because I think Mexicans have really bad diets and a history of health disease. Our food is full of grease of and kinds of stuff that is bad for you. I live at home so I have pretty much just quit eating anything my mom makes because it's all pretty bad. here's some of the stuff I have given up eating:
Tortillas
Pepsi
I no longer butter my toast
red meat
Okay I havent given up red meat completly but I am only eating red meat meat on average of once a week.

2005-08-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

I can eat a lot that's what the problem is I guess. Now I'm really really trying to eat a lot les and I think I"m doing a good job.

For example before I started dieting I normal breakfast for me could have been: 4 pieces of toast buttered with jelly, 2 eggs, 2 pieces of hash brown and 3 thin slices of SPAM (fucking gross huh?)

Today for breakfast I had 1 can of Tuna stuffed into a Sara Lee Pita pocket. Yesturdays breakfast was 1 piece of toast with grape jelly folded in half with a hard boiled egg inside.

So here's what I'm wondering the Pita bread is 100 colories with no grams of fat. The toast is 70 calories with 20 grams of fat. Whick is better for you?

2005-08-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've been chubby, husky, thick, big boned my whole life. I'm 33 years old right now I will be turning 34 of Septempber 16. I decided a few weeks ago, its time for a change.

I've always wanted to diet, always thought about losing weight but very seldomly have I ever done anthing about it.